Oxford Continuees named Honorary Freshmen at Emory University

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After being completely ignored by Emory University for their first two years of college, all Oxford continuees have finally been awarded with the title of honorary freshmen. Yet to some, this award is the least Emory could do after giving Oxford students a subpar undergraduate experience while costing the same as main campus.

This classification of Oxford continuees as honorary freshmen is far from arbitrary. After former President Jimmy Carter infamously called Oxford a junior college, it has been seen as the middle school of Emory University. Thus, when one graduates from Oxford, they merely transfer to the awkward freshmen-junior status they uniquely hold. However, there are several ways that Oxford continuees resemble freshmen. Much like freshmen, Oxford continuees are rejected from virtually every exec board position based solely on their year in school. Additionally, both groups still believe the lies that Emory tells them, such as professors “specifically asking for Oxford students” when looking for research assistants and interns. Lastly, in pre-Covid times, one obvious tell was both groups obnoxious behavior in the dining hall. Despite the two years of college under their belt, many Oxford continuees believe that having a group so large it requires additional chairs to be pulled up to a table makes them cool. Non-freshmen and most people with common sense rightfully recognize this as a nuisance.

There are two chief reasons for this freshman syndrome, the first being the utter deprivation of any meaningful exposure to Emory culture that not even the last two years can attempt to make up for. One may think that partying at Mag’s and blacking out in the 2 AM shuttle back to campus emulates the lived experiences of main campus students, but it is simply a cheap imitation. Where were Oxford students when Kaldi’s failed their health inspection? Out of a lineup, could a single Oxford continuee pick out Pasta John? Could they even name a single freshman dorm?  How many STDs did they get from members of SAE? The answers speak for themselves.

The second reason is the brain-rotting aura of Oxford’s campus. When the body is mainly supplied with dry ass chicken breasts, half-cooked fries, and the bitterness of being rejected from better colleges, it severely delays the development of emotional maturity. Well, it’s definitely easier to blame it on that than the trauma of having one’s twenty-person incestuous friend group violently dissolve by the end of spring semester.  After all, due to Covid, their dreams of being on main campus, aka the only reason they committed to Oxford in the first place, were ripped away from them faster than the Fleming fire alarm going off due to burnt popcorn.

When push comes to shove, Oxford continuees being named honorary freshmen simply makes sense. It gives them the false sense that they’ve made any meaningful contributions to Emory University and distracts them from the fact that this is one of the few rewards they’ll ever receive at Emory. Surprisingly, all Oxford continuees thus far have gladly accepted this award, and we here at The Spoke commend them for their humble attitude.

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